The first time I tried weed, I was 14 years old. However, I did not become a habitual user until I was around 17 or 18. Originally I looked at weed as an escape. After going through some rough patches in life, a void feeling began to overcome me. I found weed to be a great way to deal with the pain I was feeling. Being ironically naive, I did not want to think the drug could be addictive. I felt as if I was in control of my own actions, therefore whenever I wanted to stop, I could.
The older I grew, the more I wanted to smoke. When I moved into my own apartment, I found myself smoking weed more than ever. I would make sure I had a blunt or bowl to smoke before I went to work, the gym, to sleep, out with friends, and even before I could eat a meal. The habit took over my mind, it had also become very expensive. Every time I sobered up I would notice that the emptiness I felt was never really gone.
Eventually, I found myself feeling guilty during my high. I began questioning myself, asking “Why am I this way?”. The fact that I worked a job, which to me was unsatisfactory disgusted me. However, I was stuck there due to the fear of failing a drug test. Things such as this halted progression weighed heavily on my mind. I then started rejecting the thought that “Smoking weed cannot be bad.”. I had believed that statement for so long. Suddenly, the act of inhaling smoke directly to my asthmatic lungs did not feel intelligent to me. Even though, it did not contain all the chemicals that cigarettes or black and milds do.
After many attempts of reasoning with myself about why marijuana was for me, I began to realize it was not. This new awareness brought me to want to quit, and I did. What I did not know is how the process of naturally cleansing the THC from my system would affect my mind, and body.
Since I stopped using marijuana it has been quite harder to wake up in the morning for work. An overwhelming feeling of fatigue attempts to pull me down more often. My thoughts have raced into places which scare me. I have also had strange, yet vivid dreams when I sleep.
Periodically, there are times where there is a burning sensation throughout my chest. The feeling does not last long, however, it is very uncomfortable. Occasionally I also cough up a mucus-like substance. I do seem to be breathing better overall and have an easier time controlling my breath when it comes to cardio, and music performances.
During this process, I have been facing severe mood swings. At times there seems to be nothing, but wonder, and beauty around me. Other times I struggle to find a motive to live. Even when I know I should be feeling good, it is hard to genuinely express it. Sometimes I catch myself feeling discouraged, and awkward for no good reason at all. Even though my emotions seem to be playing tricks on me, overall I do feel a sense of relief knowing that I no longer depend on this plant. It is like, a form of liberation.
Since beginning my journey down the path of sobriety I have been putting my focus on creating new, and more healthy addictions. These include reading, exercising, playing instruments, growing spiritually, writing, and recording. I have also found that my faith in God, as well the love from Him, family, and friends have been more filling than the vice I once needed had ever been. This road has been bumpy, yet rewarding.
Every once in a while I still do slip up. Being human in a society where these activities have been so normalized, can sometimes make it hard for me to just say “No”. I still may find myself taking a puff, or two, and catching a quick buzz. The difference now though is instead of running towards it to kill pain, it is more of a social activity. The change for me has been surreal. One day I know I will be able to part ways with it completely, right now I am simply grateful for the progression.